even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
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Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Me, reading some of your tweets
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.