I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
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Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.