“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
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ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
X-tra spooky blend
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Cardio Made Easy
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.