[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
no regrets
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
My background check bounced.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
jesus, what did this guy do
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
i think my razor is having a panic attack