“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
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My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
pep talk
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.