There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
You Might Also Like
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Just a reminder, folks:
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.