ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
You Might Also Like
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
All set.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.