Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
You Might Also Like
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
My blood type is b hungry.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
channeling her this year