Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
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I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
🙅🏻
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.