If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
You Might Also Like
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
How dramatic are you?
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
it was a valiant fight
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
I’d hang this in my house.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.