The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
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Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Mad Max Arctic Road
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of