[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
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My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Harsh but fair
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.