BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
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“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
*pokes sex life with a stick
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.