The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
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Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
beware of dog
(jukin media)
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”