I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
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*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Tremendous stuff
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.