ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
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My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
my astrological sign is a french fry
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.