Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
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If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Ken is short for chicken
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.