Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
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WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
I cannot stop laughing at this
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”