Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
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Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.