my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
You Might Also Like
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…