Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
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Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
The honesty is refreshing
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
But that’s none of my business
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not