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My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
time machine? you mean a clock?
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no