Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
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You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence