It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
You Might Also Like
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?