*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
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You’re the water to my grease fire.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”