BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
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“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.