Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
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You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.