*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
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interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack