[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
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No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day