A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
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AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.