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It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me