A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
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Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.