The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
You Might Also Like
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Meow?
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it