Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
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Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.