I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
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My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Lmfao
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.