Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
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America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
This meal prepping shit is easy
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.