MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
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goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Where’s my employee discount too?
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
is there nothing we can trust anymore
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant