You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
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I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Worth remembering.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.