8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
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Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
I’ll be mad as hell!
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)