Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
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there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars