My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
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Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
three things we don’t talk about
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
no regrets
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?