7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
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[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
I mean…but I did
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
*power walks to the refrigerator*
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.