lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
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*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?