There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
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Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?