When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
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Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Home #decor warning.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant