Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
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I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
broke down and did it
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence