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90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.