“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
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Saw your ex at the shops
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
A French press is when you hug naked
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.