Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
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[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Breaking news:
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
looks legit
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.