My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
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Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Seems a bit forward
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem